PAP Vows to Find New Scapegoat by September Elections

SINGAPORE, SIN - Saying they were sure the last one would last longer, PM Lee Hsien Loong announced last night that his party 'nevertheless vowed to seek someone else to take all the blame' by election time. The announcement comes after a surprise exit by Minister for Taking Blame Lui Tuck Yew left thousands lost and scrambling to find something or someone to blame for all their problems. "I tried blaming foreigners to cope with the lost, but it just doesn't work unless there's someone with a six-figure salary, at least." said one poor soul who asked to remain anonymous. At press time, the man was allegedly still bottling up his feelings. However, choosing the next scapegoat minister is no easy task, says political analyst Tan Tock Sing. "Usually, the various MPs and ministers will gather for a closed-door party and then it takes at least three rounds of intense drinking before one of them finally loses a bet. After that, the ceremony begins and the new minister will be blessed by the ten official religions in Singapore." Meanwhile, Singaporeans wait literally in bated breath in crowded trains and buses.

Stray Blogger Finds New Home

SINGAPORE, SIN - A lost blogger affectionately named Roy by local residents has finally found a new home, months after a post that highlighted the stray blogger's plight around the Telok Blangah area went viral on the internet. "I'm just happy that he's finally found someone who's willing and able to care for the poor creature. My family would have taken him in, but my mom is allergic to opposition." says the original poster of the viral article Victoria Macpherson. The new owners Kenneth Jeyaratnam and Desmond Teng say they were instantly won over by Roy after seeing the post and finding him loitering around the local food center. "He likes to make a squelched 'Ngerg!' sound which is very unique." Anti-government bloggers are an increasingly common sight in Singapore, but very few are still willing to help by adopting them, says Tampines Tan, a spokesperson from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Opposition (SPCO).

Rag and Flag now a 'class-only' event

AWOL

SINGAPORE, SIN - Rag and Flag is a "class-only" event that now largely caters to the university population of the National University of Studies (NUS). It also risks becoming redundant, shown jarringly by the suspicious lack of any rags nor flags throughout the entire execution of the titular event that NUS students have participated in year after year.

These harsh words come from many within the school's own freshmen population, in a telepathic consensus garnered through hundreds of students who have to work long, tiring hours for their free vacation stays and hall points.

The Durian understands from our interviews with various members of NUS that Rag and Flag is an annual event in which the various halls and faculties will collect recycled items and materials for the creation of the floats and costumes for the performances, and donations collected during flag day which would be donated to charity.

This year's iteration will be held at the floating platform at Marina Bay in order to celebrate 110 years of student slave labour and carefully manipulated academic rankings, as well as to celebrate our nation's 50th birthday in prelude to this year's National Day celebrations. Previous iterations were held within NUS itself, whereby no member of public was even aware of such an event taking place.

Speaking at the school's set-up of this year's Rag and Flag performance at the floating platform this year, local NUS student Ngoh Mua Nee tells the Durian that the only rags she sees are those on the backs of the various freshmen, who have been persuaded and in many cases bribed with incentives to participate in this gruelling test of patience and willpower. "I get to save up $75 a week for my hall's vacation stay, which I pay for being forced to check-in two weeks early before my hall gives my slot away to a equally deserving individual", she tells the Durian.

Local students and residents have also complained regarding the misleading naming of the event, with many disappointed students commenting that the lack of flags on a flag day is poor planning at best, and misinformation at worst. "I was looking forward to the day I got to wave a flag around", said local idiot Boh Toh Nao, shaking his almost-empty can at random strangers in front of a MRT station. "At least I'm helping to collect money for a cause which I'm not even informed about" he says, a weak, tired smile across his blank, dead face.

Various project heads for this year's Rag and Flag were unfortunately unable to be approached for comment, as they were too busy buying "donated" materials and paints "re-used from last year's Rag" from hardware shops, or organising brutal training camps for the freshmen performers.

Local Student Unsure If He Should Gym in OCS or Guards PT Kit

SINGAPORE, SIN - Saying it has been a constant struggle in his life since National Service, local National University of Singapore (NUS) student Kent Richmond Lim expressed serious indecisiveness about his gym attire last Monday. "I'm just really on the fence about whether OCS or Guards is cooler, more badass, you know?" Lim told reporters from the Durian, adding that wearing both would just be showing off. "I could wear Guards, which tells people I'm tough, but I might look like a washout or a shy person who couldn't make it to command school." Lim was last seen grunting and sighing loudly while bench-pressing at the NUS gym.

Singapore Not A Red Dot At All

SINGAPORE, SIN - In an astonishing press conference held yesterday, renown local geographer Bo Liao Seah announced that contrary to popular and widely-held belief, Singapore is not in fact "a little red dot". The visibly excited professor stunned the crowds yesterday with his earth-shaking revelations, sparking fears for the state of Singapore's tourism industry.

Following the groundbreaking announcement, experts predict that the tourism industry will foresee a staggering drop in its marketing and advertising sector, with fears that the industry's revenue will drop to a staggering 50% all-time low in Singapore's history.

"Its nothing that we've ever expected before," said the professor when approached by the Durian after surprising him in his car after the conference. "All prior widely-accepted beliefs dictated that Singapore would be circular in shape, with soil content similar to that of the clay of Bukit Merah." "Instead we have discovered through the novelty of Google Maps that Singapore is in fact more of a diamond shaped landmass with notably more concrete than soil in its topography, a remarkable discovery."

Reports from internal sources suggest that the tourism board is currently scrambling to re-brand itself following yesterday's announcement, with some suggesting labels such as "Diamond of Asia" and "It Costs As Much As It Looks". to be used to replace the aged and seriously overused "Little Red Dot" branding that Singapore has had for its entire existence.

In a government press conference held this morning, Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong has also revealed that all land reclamation efforts have been currently put on hold following the announcement yesterday. Citing "currently uncertain national boundaries", the government will cease all land reclamation activities until cartographers are able to verify how much more land Singapore can reclaim based on yesterday's update on Singapore's geography.

SAFOS Scholar Laments Day He Probably Has To Take Over SMRT

SINGAPORE, SIN - Singapore Armed Forces Overseas Scholarship (SAFOS) recipient CPT Lee Ah Mee dreads the day he probably has to take over as SMRT's CEO, or possibly minister of transport, sources close to CPT Ah Mee confirmed yesterday. He was also quoted saying at one point "he was seriously considering a career switch to avoid taking the 'hot potato' position right after his tenure as Chief of Army or Chief of Defence Force, but ultimately decided against it, hopeful he could instead follow in the footsteps of minister in the Prime Minster's office Chan Chun Sing.

Singapore Crash Out Of FIEA World Cup Following 2-1 Loss To Hosts New Zealand

WELLINGTON, NZ - Singapore's eraser world cup hopes were dashed yesterday following a 2-1 upset by hosts New Zealand in the quarter finals at the Kiwi Stationery Stadium. The result sends coach Hong Gang Bi and his team back home and back to the drawing board as Singapore's lengthy wait for a world cup win in stationery sports continues.

Calls for Mr Hong to step down intensified after yet another disappointing performance by the SingaporErasers. Mr Hong's team was recently nearly disqualified when a referee found traces of putty, a contraband material, in Singapore's stationery during the qualifiers.

Najib Sacks Entire Staff, Cites Metaphysics

Kuala Lumpur, MY -  Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak publicly fired his entire staff yesterday, saying he wasn't sure 'any of them technically existed anyway'. He added that 'I (he) surely exist because I (he) can ponder my existence' while staring intently at a half glass of water and or in to blank space. The move is widely seen as an attempt to gain more support among Classics scholars and followers of Kantian works, which the incumbent coalition, the Barisan Nasional (BN), has been slowly losing to opposition parties building a reputation for a Deontologist agenda.

PM Lee: It's Not You, It's Me

SINGAPORE, SIN - Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong said in a press statement last night that he's not sure if he really wants to put himself through another election. "I'm still on the fence about it... it's not you, it's me", he told hypothetical voters.

The news comes as a shock to voters the Durian spoke to, who said "they gave a lot into the last election, and that they can change." Cabinet members close to the PM said that voters just needed to give the PM some space. "He just need's some Lee-time, you know?" says

"The last one really took a toll on me. The fights, the arguing, I just found myself asking what was the point of pretending to be someone I'm not - going out waving and putting on a happy front when inside I feel so empty." PM Lee said. PM Lee was allegedly last seen looking up solo vacation and backpacking trips on google.

Youth still interested in SG50 after all this time

Commemorating the good old days.

SINGAPORE, SIN - After more than eight months of relentless promotion from their local governing bodies, students here have reportedly become receptive to the idea of SG50. This comes after reports of over four thousand youths being voluntarily volunteered to be part of a youth celebratory event this upcoming Sunday (26 July); an unprecedented number of student volunteers who have been mobilised to showcase their government's love and commitment to the nation's 50th birthday.

"Its everywhere. A discount on the shelf? SG50. MRT breakdown? An SG50 experience to make us remember how things used to be in the past, and allow us to remember how much of a privileged life we live now, all thanks to our Great Merciful Leader." local student Sar Kah Sam commented during a recent door-to-door interview conducted by the Durian. "Without SG50, all this and more would have been taken for granted. And that is why my teacher has volunteered me to go for this event." While pressed for further comment, the interviewee was reportedly shuttled away by his kind and discerning teacher while in mid-sentence regarding CIP and CCA point requirements.

Local skeptics were however quick to point out that four thousand was a mere fraction of the total population of youth in Singapore, and critics believe that the government is not doing enough to get more youths on board on the measure. "All the NS boys are already being volunteered to help out with fun-packs, guard duty and road marshalling; surely our young aspiring teenagers are able to contribute more as well."

Local government authorities however were equally quick to point out Singapore's ageing population and pathetic population replacement rate these days. Healthier Promoting Bureau (HPB) spokesman Dr. Fang Tee Shi was unable to be reached for comment.

Probe Finds SMRT Going Back and Forth, Moving In Circles

SINGAPORE, SIN - An independent probe set-up by the Landing Transportation Authorities (LTA) found damning evidence that train and bus operator SMRT has remained directionless for years. The investigation found 'many indications that current and future services provided by the company were in fact going in two different directions, and sometimes in circles.' The report also raised questions on whether 'passengers were misled to believe they were getting anywhere' and if 'the corporate leadership had a clear direction in mind.'

Details of the investigation were released early yesterday, after nearly 6 months of auditing. The probe was launched after severe breakdowns on several of their lines led to calls for more regulatory oversight by LTA.

Bystander help leading cause of productivity loss

SINGAPORE, SIN - An annual review of productivity in Singapore found that kind and helpful bystanders are the leading cause of productivity loss here. It accounts for about 30% of all potential productivity lost, inching just ahead of queuing up for state funerals, another new entry into this year's report. Meanwhile, last year's top cause of productivity loss, searching for budget vacations on google, slipped to third place.

Experts weigh in on freedom of speech here

SINGAPORE, SIN - A panel of experts from the institute of policy studies at the Goh Chok Tong school of public policy addressed questions and summarized the pros and cons of having more freedom of speech right here in Singapore. These are the highlights from both sides of the debate.

Study finds 3 in 10 closet SDP supporter

SINGAPORE, SIN - A study published by the Chiam See Tong school of public policy revealed that 3 out of 10 people here in Singapore are secretly Singapore Democratic Party (SDP) supporters.

The findings come as the general elections loom closer, once again reminding voters that the opposition consists of more than the worker's party.

PAP MP Tan Xiao Ming first to go due to GRC size cuts

UBIN, SIN - People's Action Party (PAP) Member of Parliament (MP) Tan Xiao Ming has officially become the first MP to be voted out by his town council due to anticipated cuts in the size of Group Representative Constituencies (GRC) in Singapore.

Minister of Law and Foreign Affairs K. Shanmugam, who is also an MP in Nee Soon, expressed deep regret at the decision, saying it was a 'painful decision', but that the 'town has spoken'.

SISTIC to enter traffic ticketing market

SINGAPORE, SIN - SISTIC announced long anticipated and widely welcomed plans to enter the traffic ticketing market last night at a meeting between the company's board of directors and shareholders.

The move has been in the works 'since signing the last agreement with the National Artistic Congress (NAC) to provide ticketing services to all concerts, plays, art galleries and sporting events in Singapore', says vice-chairperson of SISTIC Vincent Fan Koh.

HPB: Just Make More Goddamn Babies, Please

SINGAPORE, SIN - "Just make more goddamn babies, please." says Healthier Promoting Bureau (HPB) spokesman Dr. Fang Tee Shi.

In a statement released this morning, Dr. Fang encouraged Singaporeans to do their part for the nation and raise more kids, in an effort to stymie the country's fast declining birth rate.

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