PAP Vows to Find New Scapegoat by September Elections

SINGAPORE, SIN - Saying they were sure the last one would last longer, PM Lee Hsien Loong announced last night that his party 'nevertheless vowed to seek someone else to take all the blame' by election time. The announcement comes after a surprise exit by Minister for Taking Blame Lui Tuck Yew left thousands lost and scrambling to find something or someone to blame for all their problems. "I tried blaming foreigners to cope with the lost, but it just doesn't work unless there's someone with a six-figure salary, at least." said one poor soul who asked to remain anonymous. At press time, the man was allegedly still bottling up his feelings. However, choosing the next scapegoat minister is no easy task, says political analyst Tan Tock Sing. "Usually, the various MPs and ministers will gather for a closed-door party and then it takes at least three rounds of intense drinking before one of them finally loses a bet. After that, the ceremony begins and the new minister will be blessed by the ten official religions in Singapore." Meanwhile, Singaporeans wait literally in bated breath in crowded trains and buses.

Stray Blogger Finds New Home

SINGAPORE, SIN - A lost blogger affectionately named Roy by local residents has finally found a new home, months after a post that highlighted the stray blogger's plight around the Telok Blangah area went viral on the internet. "I'm just happy that he's finally found someone who's willing and able to care for the poor creature. My family would have taken him in, but my mom is allergic to opposition." says the original poster of the viral article Victoria Macpherson. The new owners Kenneth Jeyaratnam and Desmond Teng say they were instantly won over by Roy after seeing the post and finding him loitering around the local food center. "He likes to make a squelched 'Ngerg!' sound which is very unique." Anti-government bloggers are an increasingly common sight in Singapore, but very few are still willing to help by adopting them, says Tampines Tan, a spokesperson from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Opposition (SPCO).

SAFOS Scholar Laments Day He Probably Has To Take Over SMRT

SINGAPORE, SIN - Singapore Armed Forces Overseas Scholarship (SAFOS) recipient CPT Lee Ah Mee dreads the day he probably has to take over as SMRT's CEO, or possibly minister of transport, sources close to CPT Ah Mee confirmed yesterday. He was also quoted saying at one point "he was seriously considering a career switch to avoid taking the 'hot potato' position right after his tenure as Chief of Army or Chief of Defence Force, but ultimately decided against it, hopeful he could instead follow in the footsteps of minister in the Prime Minster's office Chan Chun Sing.

Najib Sacks Entire Staff, Cites Metaphysics

Kuala Lumpur, MY -  Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak publicly fired his entire staff yesterday, saying he wasn't sure 'any of them technically existed anyway'. He added that 'I (he) surely exist because I (he) can ponder my existence' while staring intently at a half glass of water and or in to blank space. The move is widely seen as an attempt to gain more support among Classics scholars and followers of Kantian works, which the incumbent coalition, the Barisan Nasional (BN), has been slowly losing to opposition parties building a reputation for a Deontologist agenda.

PM Lee: It's Not You, It's Me

SINGAPORE, SIN - Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong said in a press statement last night that he's not sure if he really wants to put himself through another election. "I'm still on the fence about it... it's not you, it's me", he told hypothetical voters.

The news comes as a shock to voters the Durian spoke to, who said "they gave a lot into the last election, and that they can change." Cabinet members close to the PM said that voters just needed to give the PM some space. "He just need's some Lee-time, you know?" says

"The last one really took a toll on me. The fights, the arguing, I just found myself asking what was the point of pretending to be someone I'm not - going out waving and putting on a happy front when inside I feel so empty." PM Lee said. PM Lee was allegedly last seen looking up solo vacation and backpacking trips on google.

Experts weigh in on freedom of speech here

SINGAPORE, SIN - A panel of experts from the institute of policy studies at the Goh Chok Tong school of public policy addressed questions and summarized the pros and cons of having more freedom of speech right here in Singapore. These are the highlights from both sides of the debate.

Study finds 3 in 10 closet SDP supporter

SINGAPORE, SIN - A study published by the Chiam See Tong school of public policy revealed that 3 out of 10 people here in Singapore are secretly Singapore Democratic Party (SDP) supporters.

The findings come as the general elections loom closer, once again reminding voters that the opposition consists of more than the worker's party.

PAP MP Tan Xiao Ming first to go due to GRC size cuts

UBIN, SIN - People's Action Party (PAP) Member of Parliament (MP) Tan Xiao Ming has officially become the first MP to be voted out by his town council due to anticipated cuts in the size of Group Representative Constituencies (GRC) in Singapore.

Minister of Law and Foreign Affairs K. Shanmugam, who is also an MP in Nee Soon, expressed deep regret at the decision, saying it was a 'painful decision', but that the 'town has spoken'.

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