SAFOS Scholar Laments Day He Probably Has To Take Over SMRT

SINGAPORE, SIN - Singapore Armed Forces Overseas Scholarship (SAFOS) recipient CPT Lee Ah Mee dreads the day he probably has to take over as SMRT's CEO, or possibly minister of transport, sources close to CPT Ah Mee confirmed yesterday. He was also quoted saying at one point "he was seriously considering a career switch to avoid taking the 'hot potato' position right after his tenure as Chief of Army or Chief of Defence Force, but ultimately decided against it, hopeful he could instead follow in the footsteps of minister in the Prime Minster's office Chan Chun Sing.

Singapore Crash Out Of FIEA World Cup Following 2-1 Loss To Hosts New Zealand

WELLINGTON, NZ - Singapore's eraser world cup hopes were dashed yesterday following a 2-1 upset by hosts New Zealand in the quarter finals at the Kiwi Stationery Stadium. The result sends coach Hong Gang Bi and his team back home and back to the drawing board as Singapore's lengthy wait for a world cup win in stationery sports continues.

Calls for Mr Hong to step down intensified after yet another disappointing performance by the SingaporErasers. Mr Hong's team was recently nearly disqualified when a referee found traces of putty, a contraband material, in Singapore's stationery during the qualifiers.

Najib Sacks Entire Staff, Cites Metaphysics

Kuala Lumpur, MY -  Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak publicly fired his entire staff yesterday, saying he wasn't sure 'any of them technically existed anyway'. He added that 'I (he) surely exist because I (he) can ponder my existence' while staring intently at a half glass of water and or in to blank space. The move is widely seen as an attempt to gain more support among Classics scholars and followers of Kantian works, which the incumbent coalition, the Barisan Nasional (BN), has been slowly losing to opposition parties building a reputation for a Deontologist agenda.

PM Lee: It's Not You, It's Me

SINGAPORE, SIN - Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong said in a press statement last night that he's not sure if he really wants to put himself through another election. "I'm still on the fence about it... it's not you, it's me", he told hypothetical voters.

The news comes as a shock to voters the Durian spoke to, who said "they gave a lot into the last election, and that they can change." Cabinet members close to the PM said that voters just needed to give the PM some space. "He just need's some Lee-time, you know?" says

"The last one really took a toll on me. The fights, the arguing, I just found myself asking what was the point of pretending to be someone I'm not - going out waving and putting on a happy front when inside I feel so empty." PM Lee said. PM Lee was allegedly last seen looking up solo vacation and backpacking trips on google.

Youth still interested in SG50 after all this time

Commemorating the good old days.

SINGAPORE, SIN - After more than eight months of relentless promotion from their local governing bodies, students here have reportedly become receptive to the idea of SG50. This comes after reports of over four thousand youths being voluntarily volunteered to be part of a youth celebratory event this upcoming Sunday (26 July); an unprecedented number of student volunteers who have been mobilised to showcase their government's love and commitment to the nation's 50th birthday.

"Its everywhere. A discount on the shelf? SG50. MRT breakdown? An SG50 experience to make us remember how things used to be in the past, and allow us to remember how much of a privileged life we live now, all thanks to our Great Merciful Leader." local student Sar Kah Sam commented during a recent door-to-door interview conducted by the Durian. "Without SG50, all this and more would have been taken for granted. And that is why my teacher has volunteered me to go for this event." While pressed for further comment, the interviewee was reportedly shuttled away by his kind and discerning teacher while in mid-sentence regarding CIP and CCA point requirements.

Local skeptics were however quick to point out that four thousand was a mere fraction of the total population of youth in Singapore, and critics believe that the government is not doing enough to get more youths on board on the measure. "All the NS boys are already being volunteered to help out with fun-packs, guard duty and road marshalling; surely our young aspiring teenagers are able to contribute more as well."

Local government authorities however were equally quick to point out Singapore's ageing population and pathetic population replacement rate these days. Healthier Promoting Bureau (HPB) spokesman Dr. Fang Tee Shi was unable to be reached for comment.

Probe Finds SMRT Going Back and Forth, Moving In Circles

SINGAPORE, SIN - An independent probe set-up by the Landing Transportation Authorities (LTA) found damning evidence that train and bus operator SMRT has remained directionless for years. The investigation found 'many indications that current and future services provided by the company were in fact going in two different directions, and sometimes in circles.' The report also raised questions on whether 'passengers were misled to believe they were getting anywhere' and if 'the corporate leadership had a clear direction in mind.'

Details of the investigation were released early yesterday, after nearly 6 months of auditing. The probe was launched after severe breakdowns on several of their lines led to calls for more regulatory oversight by LTA.

Bystander help leading cause of productivity loss

SINGAPORE, SIN - An annual review of productivity in Singapore found that kind and helpful bystanders are the leading cause of productivity loss here. It accounts for about 30% of all potential productivity lost, inching just ahead of queuing up for state funerals, another new entry into this year's report. Meanwhile, last year's top cause of productivity loss, searching for budget vacations on google, slipped to third place.